Whoa...

Today:  I am  exhausted.

I know it's been 11 days since my last post.  Can I say that my head is literally spinning around on my neck right now?  I have been sooo busy.  With this busy has come stress and sleepless nights and emotions that I have never felt so strong and blah blah blah.  Needless to say I'm pretty sure I'm fighting off a cold right now.  Here's the play by play and I'll let you know why I'm exhausted... but very truly blessed.

Last week was the FIRST week in I don't know how long that I didn't have a major anxiety episode.  Everything went great!  I absolutely loved it and felt that my life was getting back on track.  I was able to do baptisms at the Temple all by myself last Friday.  This is a major accomplishment for me.  I hate to have to do anything alone.  But I went.  Sure enough I got back to change into my clothes and there were 5 missed calls saying that my sweet little girl was puking at school.  Oops.  Lucky for me I have an awesome husband that ran to her aide and settled her on the couch until I got home.

In between catching throw up, we developed a leak in our roof.  Long story short... I was yelling at the hubs to get his butt back home and I may have been bawling.  Anxiety may have wanted to get the best of me.  However, I had a better handle on it than it had on me and I didn't let it get me down.  We fixed that problem and that was that.  Good to go.

The following 7 days were a whirlwind of I don't even know what because the greatest thing in the world was happening on Saturday and that's all I could think about it.  My parents say that the days leading up to this magical day were hard for them also.  I still didn't let Greta {the name my mom has given the anxiety so I can quit saying my anxiety :)} get me down.  I was in control of her.  Saturday my sweet 91-year-old grandmother was re-baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Forty some years ago she was excommunicated for decisions that she had made that went against the church.  She had taken herself out of the church and washed her hands of it.  Excommunicated means that you have been through the Temple and taken out the special endowments that we do inside.  You've made covenants with Christ.  When these covenants are broken or you decide you don't want to be a part of it any longer, than excommunication comes up.  This means that you are no longer a member of the church.  It was really hard on my family.  A few months ago she decided it was time to be baptized and become a good standing member of our faith.  It was all on her and no one had an influence on her... except for a nice guy that had come into her life 7 years ago to patch some sheetrock for her.  With his wife, this sweet man held my grandmother's hand and helped her reach the point of baptism.  My dad was able to do this for her.  He was a big ball of emotions.  Everyone was.  NO one thought this would ever be a possibility for our family.  It definitely completes a link that had been broken so long ago.  She looked so beautiful that entire day.  I'm so thankful for her faith that did not waiver for soooo many years.

During this great event... I was able to play the piano for a couple of hymns to sing to and prelude/intermission music.  My sister {who was literally about to pop with baby} conducted the music... in between contractions.  I can't put much detail into this one yet either because she's waiting until she's home... but I'm happy to be an aunt for the first time :).  It's a love that I have never experienced and I enjoy this little bugger so dang much.  There will definitely be more to come.  Promise.

I wanted to embrace Cyber Monday and have a huge headwrap sale on Etsy.  Now I'm facing a stupid cold.  I know it's my body's way of saying "yo... let's slow down for a minute".  I feel that it's probably smarter to listen and not let myself get too worn out.  It's a gamble if I'll even sale anything that day anyway... and my health is more important.  This is a lesson that I've learned the hard way the past 15 months.  It's okay to say you're not invincible.  It's okay if you don't get the house cleaned today.  It's okay if you cave in and just order take out because you simply are too tired to cook.  It's okay to wear pj pants all day because it's just more comfortable.  All of this is okay.  The most important thing {to me} is that I'm healthy and that I can give my family some of the attention that they deserve from me.  I know that my kids will continue growing so fast and this time I have with them now is precious to me.  That's why it's okay to say "goodnight sewing machine" and "hello popcorn and cuddles".  Plus I can't get sick if I want to snuggle this baby :)

xo, Heather

Brrrr....

Today:  I am   cold  .

Like, for reals.  It's cold here.  We were only at 7 degrees the other morning and the rest of the day we didn't go above 15!  What the heck?!  It finally decided to start snowing Thursday and that usually warms us up.  I never thought 20's would feel so good.  But seriously... brrr.

I'm excited for the holidays this year.  Every year I've gotten better at what to get for gifts.  This year I can officially say that my husband is the only one left to shop for now!  I usually get teased a little bit for being on top of Christmas like this, but the thing is I hate shopping around for gifts not knowing what to get, then I get an idea and it's sold out... everywhere... and then I end up just buying the "next best" thing.  Which usually turns out to be junk.  Plus I really enjoy being able to spend Thanksgiving and all of December with just my family.  I don't have the major worry of gifts.

Every December we do the 12 days of Christmas with the kids.  We used to do this when I was younger and we loved it.  For our little family we have changed it a bit so it can stretch out for the entire month instead of trying to do 12 things the 12 nights before Christmas.  It starts with me making a Christmas countdown chain that we hang up in the dining room.  Every morning a link gets ripped off.  Thirteen links are blank.  Twelve links have something fun on them.  I usually buy a few movies and during these 12 days we'll have a few movie nights.  Sometimes we go to dinner or play a new board game.  One night we go see Santa or drive to see Christmas lights.  I try to find things that make us spend quality time together and enjoy one another.  We also choose a few families or people to do Secret Santa for and spend one night sneaking their gifts to their front doors.  My sweet little girl LOVES doing this one!  Last year was the second year we have done it and I couldn't believe the joy she found in leaving a present for someone.  It warms my heart.

Another reason I love to get my shopping done is that as my kids get older and I see the joy they find in the LDS gospel and Christ, the more I want to spend the month focusing on why we have Christmas.  I feel like being able to spend time with our family is one giant step on this path.  Christmas really is a truly enjoyable and warming time.  I love making meaningful memories with them in both the physical sense and the spiritual sense.  I hope they value this time we spend together and one day do it with their own families.  We do have a secret plan to buy two of our closest neighbors houses and turn our section of the street in our own family sanctuary... so maybe Grandma {me... one day} will just continue this on at my house.  Just kidding.  I know my kids need to sprout wings and fly away from the nest one day. 

BUT, and this is a big but, it is hard to hide this many presents around our house.  Really hard.  I mean... really hard.  It takes a lot of plotting and planning and focus.  One slip up and I've destroyed Santa Claus.

I better go find a way to warm up...

xo, Heather

Strong

Today:  I am   strong  .

Or at least I am trying to be strong.  Do you ever have those times when something said to you or another person's actions or just something silly triggers something inside of you that you don't like to be triggered?  Maybe it's from a bad experience or maybe it's a fear or makes you nervous.  I've been dealing with this.  I always wonder at what point this will go away and this "bad experience" will no longer be within me.  Turns out that it's going to take longer than I thought it would.  Then I'm left with deciding how to overcome this.  I know the Sunday School answers... prayer, scriptures, Heavenly Father, my family.  I look to all of that for support.  But how can I make my head go "eh... whatever"?  That's what I want to figure out.

I've learned the last few months that trials never really leave us.  Sometimes it's big enough that it makes an entire change in our family dynamic.  Sometimes it's small enough to jolt us, but really we can snap back easily.  I savor the strength and happiness that I am beginning to feel more and more of.  I wish that I could say it's something that sticks around constantly.  Unfortunately, it doesn't take much and those feelings are whisked away from me quicker than they came.  Anxiety is a pain in the butt like that.  For example... having a dental check-up and cleaning last week, the dentist asked if I had recently bit my tongue because of a sore on it.  I wasn't sure if I had or not but it seemed likely after eating as much Halloween candy as I had.  He could have stopped there.  He could have left it at a sore on my tongue and checked it out without saying a word.  He did not do that however.  He went on to say that sometimes a sore like this is a sign of tumors in your tongue and then let me know he was checking the back of my mouth and tongue for signs of a tumor.  He also felt the lymph nodes in my neck.  Pretty sure it was Halloween candy... and while I'm thankful to him for being so thorough, I still walked out mad.  I didn't let him know I was mad.  But I was.  I was mad because I knew that my mind was going to run wild with this.  Despite my best efforts to control the storm brewing inside my head, I suddenly found myself worrying about health problems again.  It was only for a couple of days but during those couple of days I lost track of things I should have been doing.  Things that help maintain my happiness.  As soon as I got back on track I felt better. 

I've been struggling with a few things lately that are mostly brought up from my past.  Sometimes I don't know how to handle things so I just sweep them under the rug.  They eventually fester and irritate me... then make their way to the surface and I have to deal with them.  I've found that these problems don't necessarily make me have anxiety, but instead bring me down.  I don't know which is worse... depression or anxiety!  It's like when you know you need to vacuum your floor but for some reason you find yourself to busy to get it done.  It gets worse and worse... but you still just can't take care of it.  Then one day you have a free minute... whip out the Dyson {which I don't have, but wish I did}... and ta-da!  Your floor is cleaned!  In that moment, before you put the vacuum away, the peace and happiness that is felt is priceless.  I keep telling myself if I just deal with these "problems" I'll probably feel that peace.  They won't keep festering like a bad infection.  They won't keep weighing on my shoulders.  I also know that these "problems" can be hard and bring about experiences that I really don't want to encounter right now.  This is when I turn to prayer.  I rely on the Lord to help me through these times.  It's times like this that I realize no matter how strong I like to think I am, I still have a ways to go.

I'm very thankful for having my eyes opened to these things within me that need to be "fixed" or mended.  I'm thankful for the tools that I'm learning to help me through this.  I've noticed more and more daily that my sweet little girl is anxious.  I see the signs that I have in me of anxiety.  I see how she handles problems, the tantrums she throws, the stress she carries over simple things and I realize that she is dealing with a much bigger issue.  I'm thankful for recognizing this.  I now know that punishing her or grounding her is not the way to handle the situation.  I'm trying to find things she can do to make her feel in control and keep her mind busy.  Luckily she is a very creative little soul.  A good art project always seems to calm her.  I hope I can relay the same hope and strength to someone else in the world :)

xo, Heather

Family Night

This is what we are reading tonight for Family Home Evening.  This is technically our first Family Night... keep your fingers crossed it goes without a hitch :)  How can this talk apply to your own family or home? 

 

For Peace at Home

By Elder Richard G. Scott

{talk copied and pasted from the lds.org website}

 

Many voices from the world in which we live tell us we should live at a frantic pace. There is always more to do and more to accomplish. Yet deep inside each of us is a need to have a place of refuge where peace and serenity prevail, a place where we can reset, regroup, and reenergize to prepare for future pressures.

 

The ideal place for that peace is within the walls of our own homes, where we have done all we can to make the Lord Jesus Christ the centerpiece.

 

Some homes have a father who is a worthy priesthood holder joined by a faithful, devoted mother who together lead in righteousness. Many homes have a different configuration. Regardless of your circumstances, you can center your home and your life on the Lord Jesus Christ, for He is the source of true peace in this life.

 

Be certain that every decision you make, whether temporal or spiritual, is conditioned on what the Savior would have you do. When He is the center of your home, there is peace and serenity. There is a spirit of assurance that pervades the home, and it is felt by all who dwell there.

 

The fulfillment of this counsel does not rest upon parents alone, although it is their role to lead. Children can be responsible for improving the Christ-centered efforts in the home. It is important for parents to teach children to recognize how their actions affect each individual who lives in the home. Children who are made to feel accountable for their actions, whether righteous or otherwise, grow to become trustworthy citizens in the kingdom of God.

 

I’m sure you can identify the fundamental principles that center your home on the Savior. The prophetic counsel to have daily personal and family prayer, daily personal and family scripture study, and weekly family home evening are the essential, weight-bearing beams in the construction of a Christ-centered home. Without these regular practices it will be difficult to find the desired and much-needed peace and refuge from the world.

 

Be obedient to the prophetic teachings Christ would have you follow. Don’t rationalize away future happiness by taking shortcuts instead of applying sound gospel principles. Remember: little things lead to big things. Seemingly insignificant indiscretions or neglect can lead to big problems. More importantly, simple, consistent, good habits lead to a life full of bountiful blessings.

 

You children in the Primary, you young men and women in youth programs, and you stalwart missionaries now serving are doing many things more effectively than I was able to do at your age. In the premortal life you proved to be valiant, obedient, and pure. There you worked hard to develop talents and capacities to prepare yourselves to face mortality with courage, dignity, honor, and success.

 

Not long ago you came to mortality with all of those magnificent capacities and endless possibilities. Yet there is real danger in the environment surrounding you. Your great potential and ability could be limited or destroyed if you yield to the devil-inspired contamination around you. However, Satan is no match for the Savior. Satan’s fate is decided. He knows he has lost, but he wants to take as many with him as he can. He will try to ruin your goodness and abilities by exploiting your weaknesses. Stay on the Lord’s side, and you will win every time.

 

You live in a world where technological advances occur at an astounding pace. It is difficult for many of my generation to keep up with the possibilities. Depending on how technology is used, these advances can be a blessing or a deterrent. Technology, when understood and used for righteous purposes, need not be a threat but rather an enhancement to spiritual communication.

 

For example, many of us have a personal electronic device that fits into our pocket. We are seldom without its company; we may refer to it many times a day. Unfortunately, these devices can be a source of filth and wasted time. But, used with discipline, this technology can be a tool of protection from the worst of society.

 

Who could have imagined not very many years ago that the full standard works and years of general conference messages would fit into your pocket? Just having them in your pocket will not protect you, but studying, pondering, and listening to them during quiet moments of each day will enhance communication through the Spirit.

 

Be wise in how you embrace technology. Mark important scriptures on your device and refer back to them frequently. If you young people would review a verse of scripture as often as some of you send text messages, you could soon have hundreds of passages of scripture memorized. Those passages would prove to be a powerful source of inspiration and guidance by the Holy Ghost in times of need.

Doing all we can to invite the gentle, guiding influence of the Holy Ghost into our lives is critical in our attempts to center our homes on the Savior. Acting obediently on those promptings strengthens us even more.

 

Greater peace will come as you couple your efforts to be obedient with serving those around you. So many individuals who have what they perceive to be meager talents humbly and generously use those talents to bless the lives of those around them. Selfishness is the root of great evil. The antidote for that evil is exemplified in the life of the Savior. He shows us how to focus our lives outward in unselfish service to others.

 

I have learned a truth that has been repeated so frequently in my life that I have come to know it as an absolute law. It defines the way obedience and service relate to the power of God. When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God—power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord. His power is a fundamental component to establishing a home filled with peace.

 

As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there. Welcome such friends into your home. They will blossom in that Christ-centered environment. Become friends with your children’s friends. Be a worthy example to them.

 

One of the greatest blessings we can offer to the world is the power of a Christ-centered home where the gospel is taught, covenants are kept, and love abounds.

 

Years ago, following a mission tour, my wife, Jeanene, told me about an elder she had met. Jeanene had asked him about his family. She was surprised as he responded that he had no family. He further explained that at his birth, his mother had given him to the government to raise. He spent his childhood going from one foster home to another. He was blessed as a teenager to find the gospel. A loving ward family had helped him to have the opportunity to serve a mission.

 

Later Jeanene asked the mission president’s wife about this fine elder. She learned that a few months earlier this elder had been in the mission home for a few days due to an illness. During that time he had joined them for a family home evening. Before he left to go back into the field, he asked the mission president if he could spend two or three days at the end of his mission in the mission home again. He wanted to observe how a Christ-centered family functions. He wanted to be able to pattern his family after theirs.

Do all you can to have just such a home. Reach out to those living in adverse circumstances. Be a true friend. This kind of enduring friendship is like asphalt that fills the potholes of life and makes the journey smoother and more pleasant. It should not be a resource used to gain personal advantage but a treasure to be appreciated and shared. Welcome into your home others who need to be strengthened by such an experience.

 

I offer some final thoughts for those who love a family member who is not making good choices. That can challenge our patience and endurance. We need to trust in the Lord and in His timing that a positive response to our prayers and rescue efforts can occur. We do all that we can to serve, to bless, and to submissively acknowledge God’s will in all things. We exercise faith and remember that there are some things that must be left to the Lord. He invites us to set our burdens down at His feet. With faith we can know that this straying loved one is not abandoned but is in the watchcare of a loving Savior.

 

Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed, but always build on his or her virtues.

 

When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear. Strive to live worthily and place your trust in the Lord.

 

We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.

 

I bear testimony that living an obedient life, firmly rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ, provides the greatest assurance for peace and refuge in our homes. There will still be plenty of challenges or heartaches, but even in the midst of turmoil, we can enjoy inner peace and profound happiness. I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the source of that abundant peace, in the name of Jesus

Christ, amen.

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It's Saturday!

Today:  I am   well, let's be honest... cleaning  .

It's Saturday.  With appointments up the wazoo this week, I have a big list of cleaning to do!  Holy cow... I can't believe how quickly your house can become dirty skipping just a couple of days of the usual pick up and sweep.  Granted, I know my house isn't filthy, but it is my anxious mind.  I have found out recently from my therapist that anxious people tend to have their houses clean, plans made for various days and things "put in order".  It's our way of dealing with an anxious, busy mind.  It helps us to feel in control.  She nailed it!  I am that way but for my whole life I have been labeled as bossy.  As I learn more about anxiety, I look at my sweet little 6 year old daughter.  I see a lot of myself in her... I'm also picking up on signs of anxiety.  I've been trying to really learn techniques and things that help me to maintain it within me.  It's been a struggle, but I have found some tried and true things that I try to do daily now.  They include exercise {which I feel I do the bare minimum and I still feel benefits from it}, meditation and yoga, a few mental techniques AND finding my talents.  I have learned that by finding and following talents and gifts that I have, my head tends to be less busy.  I focus on something creative rather than destructive to me.  This is what I want to focus on for this post... and then I'll go clean :)

We were given talents and gifts before we came to Earth and received our bodies.  Sometimes it's very clear what our talent or gift is.  Other times wanting to find a talent or gift begins a journey of self discovery.  I have played the piano since I was 6 years old.  I always thought this was my one true talent.  I thought this was it.  And I appreciated it!  As I have gotten older, I've wondered if there was more to me than I was allowing.  Only in the last few years have I diligently searched out for these special things.  I have always felt a tad creative.  I don't know if I'm any good at making anything, but I love the creative process.  Picking out fabrics {Mmmm...}, picking out colors of paint or paper, picking out BUTTONS {love buttons}, putting them together.  I love it!  I love how my mind can wander and become completely engulfed in a project.  However, for the longest time, I wasn't sure what kinds of projects any of this stuff could make!  I just bought them :)

When I became a single mom, I searched for a way to supplement my income without finding a second job.  I started a shop on Etsy.  It began with picture frames and then evolved into hair bows and clips for babies and little girls.  A time came when I needed pj's for my little baby girl.  The stores were all putting out springtime and summer pj's.  When you live in northern Utah, springtime doesn't always include sunshine and warmth!  You can literally use your heater AND AC in the same day!  So I knew that these pj's weren't going to fly for my baby.  I decided to make them.  I had always loved using my sewing machine, but had unfortunately not found anything to use it for.  I made pj's for my baby and soon the Etsy shop included pj sets.  The next Christmas, I had enough Christmas orders that it provided a really great holiday for her without having to break into my budget!  I couldn't believe it.  A love for sewing {and a talent} was born.  I'm still working on my sewing skills.  I know I have a lot to learn.  But it has brought me great joy being able to sit in front of my machine and try to turn these piles of fabric I have accumulated into something. 

I think that we are given talents and gifts not only because we need something to do in this life to keep our minds busy, but because it helps us and others.  It gives us a general sense of well being.  Think about it... I know for me personally, I can listen to piano music and fall into a world of calmness.  I have a few pianists that I love, but anyone that can play will whisk me away.  They don't realize that not only is their talent amazing and beautiful, but also helpful.  Talents don't always involve playing or making or becoming something.  I think it's a wonderful talent when someone can be positive and happy all of the time.  What a great gift!  It makes me as an anxious, depressed person wish that I could have received this gift!  Then I realize that I have the power to take on these great attributes.  I just have to find a different approach then that person does. 

The beauty that surrounds us is the greatest gift to us all... but the beauty that people bring is just as great.  Think of paintings and artwork and how they make you feel.  Think of the knowledge a wonderful doctor {and this includes all levels of medical care... I have learned this very, very recently} and how safe or healthy they can make you feel.  Or like previously mentioned, that person who always smiles and is happy.  You can't help but find yourself smiling.  All of these things are so healing to others.  So helpful and gratifying.  Doesn't it make you want to know what you are capable of?  What if a talent you have yet to discover could bring about just an ounce of happiness in someone else?  Would you attempt it?  Would you try to find it or discover it?  I think it's worth the search.

xo, Heather

Feeling Healthy

Today:  I am   healthy  .

Everybody has their own triggers.  There is something that sets you off... whether it triggers anxiety, depression, stress or just plain old being mad.  It can be anything from the way your husband leaves the toilet seat up {which I always thought was a lame complaint... until I married that guy.  Holy cow can't you just put it down???} or something more extreme, which in my case is "health problems".  Triggers aren't always negative though.  Some things can also trigger wonderful emotions of love or happiness or gratitude.  Hopefully the toilet seat being left up doesn't make you sublimely happy, but maybe the kind act that follows from your husband to say sorry does.

As I said, my trigger is health problems.  I mentioned it before... I can feel a funny feeling and instantly think I need the ER.  It's become an almost embarrassing problem.  It has also debilitated me throughout most of my days.  I've talked about it with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it comes from my little guy's birth.  It's a valid reason.  That was a scary event for me.  Not knowing how I'd turn out in the end, how he'd turn out in the end or just even what the heck was really happening.  It's carried on with me and has set off an even bigger problem.  I'm very proactive in my health care.  I feel that there is a reason we should have an annual physical exam and dang it, I WILL have my annual exam!  I even make my kids go for well child checkups.  We don't miss one... even though their doctor keeps "reminding" me that it's not absolutely necessary for healthy kids.  But aren't physical exams the exact reason why we have healthy kids or being healthy yourself?  I look at it as a day set apart from the rest of the year that you can poke and prod and complain and walk out knowing you are a-ok.  To me, physical exams and preventative care are necessary even if they are a pain in the butt.

So today, I am healthy.  I have to keep telling myself that.  I know that I am because I have literally seen the inside of my belly AND had my blood drawn so many times that I KNOW I am healthy.  The anxiety likes to try to tell me otherwise though.  My therapist told me {and I know I've read it in scriptures} that sometimes you have to trust in faith and "not of the flesh of the arm"... or something like that.  Which basically means you just need faith in knowing that you are okay and God wants you okay.  Sometimes health problems are thrown in your face.  Sometimes cancer does pop up.  Sometimes you get a mental problem... I know that one really well lately.  But having faith in God and knowing that there is a plan for you makes it a bit better.  This is something that I work hard on.  When I feel a bit down, I try to tell myself that I'm really okay.  There's nothing to be down about.  Let's face it though... sometimes you need a pj day with a blanket and sappy sitcoms.  Right?  I know I do once in a while.  Even though my results have shown me that I am actually a healthy person, faith is what helps me to actually believe those results.  It's a funny thing... results are shown to me... faith is believed and yet I turn to it more.  I truly believe that having faith is what makes our trials bearable.  I know that a lot of people live with things much worse than I do.  I know some people are facing their own mortality because of cancer or a disease or something... I was introduced to a nice gentleman at the Temple last night who is living with a terminal brain tumor.  You wouldn't have even known he was sick because of the way he was talking.  The light in his eyes and the happiness in his face helped me to see that trials can be blessings in disguise.  Even if it isn't much, there is always a small sliver of good or something positive in everything that seems bad.

I know this "mental" problem of mine has brought about beautiful blessings in my life.  I was able to attend the Temple last night and do baptisms for some beautiful women that lived in the 1800's.  I've also put myself and my family on a healthier diet... which is the Word of Wisdom, and really besides the fact that it is an LDS thing, the Word of Wisdom is an awesome way to fuel your body.  It's really just basics that we learn growing up.  I've also found many wonderful benefits of having renewed faith.  This trial has helped me in ways that I didn't know I needed help.  Because of that I am able to feel a  bit healthier.

The other wonderful thing about this trial of mine... and having health "scares"... is that I have been introduced to the most wonderful lady in the world.  She is a CNM {Certified Nurse Midwife} and she's got my back!  I used to do medical billing for midwives and found a love for their practice.  I knew that I would never personally use a midwife, but I loved the passion that they felt for the health of their patients.  Well, now I am going to one for my own health.  She loves to look for ways to naturally help our bodies.  Supplements, vitamins, every day changes... we are on the same page.  I am very sensitive to medications.  An Ibuprofen can make me bruise and bleed like you wouldn't believe.  Turns out, so does Fish Oil but that has nothing to do with this :)  She has found a way to help restore my body AND my brain with a few simple things.  On top of that, I also walk on the treadmill everyday for 45 minutes {and yes I said walk because I don't run.  I don't think I can run.  Pretty sure I'm just a walker.  But I do read a book while I walk.  How's that for skill?} and try to do yoga at least 3 times a week.  Both of these things also help to clear my mind and make me feel more peaceful.  This super awesome wonderful lady has helped me in so many ways... I look forward to the days when I get to have a follow up with her.  Today, for example, I got to see her and we both agreed on the subject of physical exams.  See??  She gets me.  And she's been a total blessing in my life.  Really, she should have been put on my post yesterday because I now have a life long friend that I know I can trust with my health.  Trusting her AND having faith in my health has made me a stronger person.

I'm not trying to preach to everyone and say do a better job of getting in to your exams or do better with your health.  These are just simply things that I have found to help with my anxiety and even my depression.  They benefit me and I hope they can benefit someone else out there.  I'm happy to let you know the supplements I take if you ask nice :)  The point I am trying to make is that everyone has something.  There's always something to set you back or frustrate you.  There are also ways to deal with it.  I didn't think there was.  I thought this was it for me.  I'm very thankful for having the knowledge that I do now about my own body and feeling like I'm in more control of it.  I'm thankful that I have found a good first few steps toward "healing" myself.  I know anxiety will never leave.  But the more I focus on helping the struggle throughout the day, the less I'll feel like I'm living in fear.

xo, Heather

Befriended

Today:  I am   befriended  .

I am humbled today by people that have come into my life.  Not just recently... but even years ago.  It seems like when you need it the absolute most, you either meet someone new or you find out something new about someone you already know. 

During the course of the last couple of months, I have had the opportunity to ponder and pray about whether or not it is my time to go through the Temple.  This is something that I hope to be able to talk more about farther down the road... but right now I'm just skimming the edge :)  Going through the Temple is a huge responsibility and blessing.  My husband is not 100% active in the church.  While he was born and raised LDS, he had decided after high school to quit going.  He goes with the kids and I on Sundays, but going through the Temple is not on his list right now.  Which is fine.  He totally has his free agency to choose.  I, however, have been feeling the promptings more and more.  Especially since I've been trying to dig myself out of this anxiety hole.  If you are fortunate enough to have an LDS Temple near your home, I strongly encourage you to visit and walk around the Temple grounds.  You don't have to be a Mormon to appreciate the architecture, the beauty and the care that goes into the Temple.  They are truly gorgeous buildings.

Anyway... I decided instead of making this huge decision right now, that I would start at the beginning and do Baptisms at the Temple.  I met with our ward's bishop and was found worthy to receive my Limited Use Temple Recommend.  This is big.  This is awesome.  This means that I have come full circle in my life and I am able to do a small bit of Temple work.  The feelings that come from this are incredibly comforting... and exciting!  As members of the church, we have to be worthy to attend and do work in the Temple.  Once we have done our own work we can go back numerous times and complete work for those who have left this life and did not have the opportunity.  It is a truly spiritual way of helping people.  It all begins with Baptisms.  We serve as proxy to those who need baptism.  Please keep in mind that we do not scout out deceased people and just start doing work for them.  It is entirely work that the family WANTS done and not that we think needs to be done.  Our youth was given the challenge of providing their own family names to do Temple work for not too long ago.  I was amazed to hear a young woman in our ward say that she helped a lady in her previous ward that had acquired 9000 names!  Can you believe that??  I'm really excited to be able to help out with this great work.  Which leads me to my post today... being befriended.

This has come in many ways recently.  One of which is through my ancestors.  As I have looked into my past and read about some of the amazing people that I come from, I have found that I have a great legacy before me.  I can't help but feel that these men and women look down on me and can help through my trials.  I also can't help but feel that I really, really want to do better with my own life so that I can continue the legacy that they left for me.  The strength, the endurance, the love and the faith that I have come from is amazing.  While technically grandpas, grandmas, uncles and aunts... I consider these "heroes" of mine to be some of my best friends.  I truly see where I come from now. 

Another incident that I had recently involved a good friend in my ward.  Together we visit a few of the women in our ward.  It's called Visiting Teaching.  Some loathe it.  Some love it.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  My partner {this friend that I just mentioned} let me in on something that she had experienced in her life.  We were talking about anxiety and I'm telling her how I was just about convinced that I was dying some days.  She expressed her understanding to me and that she had also gone through this... but a bit worse than me.  She had convinced herself she had MS and had undergone many different tests to determine if she really did.  The power of the brain is almost scary.  Fortunately, she eventually determined it was anxiety and she's doing much better.  Can I tell you the relief I felt?!  Here was someone who I consider a good friend, who I look up to, and she knew EXACTLY how I have felt.  Exactly.  What an incredible thing to have someone in your life and then find out that this person needed to be in your life.  Even if it was for something as simple as this.  Just to be able to say "I know."

This last one goes back to what I had rambled on about at the beginning... baptisms.  I haven't done this for 18 years.  Needless to say, I have been a bit nervous about it.  Not knowing the process or what to expect or will my makeup run when I come out of the water... it's a big deal!  My sweet sister in law and her teenage daughter are coming with and doing baptisms also!  These amazing ladies have been in my life for only 5 years now.  I've talked to them countless times.  I've been to birthday parties with them, kids baptisms, funerals, many family parties.  I know these people.  They're my peeps.  Literally... they're my family.  Knowing that they want to be there to not only support me but also to do their own work is so touching and warming to my heart. 

When I say "I am befriended", I mean it as today I feel blessed to have the people I do in my life.  I'm always thankful for those around me.  Especially my family.  But I truly and honestly believe that certain people are put in your path for a reason.  It could be someone at the grocery store helping you with your groceries, a teacher, a neighbor, a complete stranger that smiles hello at you.  These people all have a place in your life.  Sometimes the reasons are very clear and you know why you have them.  Sometimes it takes a little bit of time and then you receive the "a-hah" moment and you know why you know this person.  I have felt this lately.  Knowing that there is true understanding with my anxiety, there is true support for me when I need it and that my ancestors at some point had to have felt discouraged but had the strength to continue on... these thoughts and friends all comfort me and help me to be a stronger person than I have been.  Smile more at people.  For one thing, smiling is easy.  More importantly you never know if that person needs to see that smile from you.

xo, Heather