Was July seriously my last post? Why yes. Yes it was. It turns out that the blog is getting ignored. Can you tell?? I've been trying to decide why it is and I came to this conclusion over the weekend:
When I was going through my divorce five years ago, I found peace and comfort in my blog. I blogged about how hard it was, how liberating it was on some days, how sad it was, how happy it turned out to be most days... I blogged it all. I didn't hold back. It wasn't that I was out to attack him or anybody else, it was that I was trying to quiet my mind and let everything go without doing so in front of my sweet baby girl. I also hoped that it would bring peace to at least one other person in the world that may stumble across my blog and say "hey... she feels me." I know that this happened to me personally many times during this long trial. Unfortunately, because of nastiness that didn't need to arise, I had to put my blog on private and then eventually just end it. Going private meant that I wasn't free to express myself to the world. Only the people who truly wanted to read what I had to say every single day.
So this last year has brought a trial that I am slowly starting to be thankful for. I thought bringing back a blog to introduce and launch Lemon Polka Dots stuff would give me the freedom I once felt. Turns out that I don't actually like advertising for myself all of the time :) I'm really bad about it on Instagram too... but hey... you can see what else is going on in my life there. My very first post on this blog was a bit personal. I talked about why my blog is called I am Lemon Polka Dots. To me it means I am __________. Everyday is a journey and the blank takes on a whole new meaning during that journey. It changes constantly. Sometimes even during the day! The blog is now going a new direction. I will include all of my shop stuff and new products and sales and blah blah... but that will mostly be on Instagram { @shoplemonpolkadots }. This is going to be a place of peace and comfort for me and for whoever needs to find it.
The new direction: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am a Mormon. I am proud to be a Mormon. Would I like everyone in the world to find my faith? Most definitely. Am I open to people just being themselves and knowing that we can have lots and lots of common ground even if we are different faiths? Most definitely ditto. Our church loves missionary work. You may have seen our young men and women out and about. They have the famous black name tags that say "Elder" or "Sister So and So". I have recently found myself wishing that I would have served a mission way back when. It never even crossed my mind... and quite frankly I was NOT in the place in my life to do so. We learn and teach weekly that we can serve as missionaries everyday. I haven't been very good at this. I'm too shy... and yet I wish I would have served. Haha. I recently had an experience with a very close family member that I didn't see as missionary service at the time. My eyes are now wide open to that fact. I can't share it just yet but it will be on the blog as soon as I can though. Promise.
At church this past Sunday, we learned many wonderful things and so many people had so much to share. It was very personal and beneficial for me simply because I have been through the worst trial of my life. I can say that because this one was super hard {and still is} for me. My sweet neighbor made a comment during Sunday School about how your trials make you stronger so that you can then help other people going through the same thing. Hmmm.... this is what led me to the new direction on the blog. Helping people. I'm finding myself wishing I had served a mission... I've endured a hard trial recently... I have a blog that could potentially reach MANY people. Hmmmm..... the new direction is that I'm going to share my trial with you. This blog is going to become my personal journal. Kind of. I have a personal journal that I won't put on here. But this is a close second. This is for me to share my struggles, my feelings, my joy, my peace, my faith and my healing. This is NOT to offend anyone or tear anyone down. If any of my words do so then I am very, very sorry. It's not intentional. My hope and my prayer is that this blog will help at least one person {or maybe two} to see that someone understands them in their "worst" time or maybe when they just need a little boost. I'm not out to convert anyone to my faith, but if that happens then hey... that's awesome :) There will still be shop stuff {www.lemonpolkadots.etsy.com} but mostly I want to fill in the blank everyday with something to help or touch someone.
Today: I am hopeful .
With ALL of that being said {and that was as LOT}, let's skip back to about a year ago. I'll make this short and sweet. Basically, here's an introduction to me. I gave birth to my sweet little guy Sept 4, 2013. I didn't even know that I was in labor. I had gone in for a check up at 38 weeks and ended upstairs in Labor and Delivery. Fully effaced, dilated to a 5 and contractions every 5 minutes. No idea. He is my second baby. You'd think I would have known. I definitely knew with the first one! But nope. A doctor came in to break my water and our little dude pretty much high fived him. He stuck his arm up above his head. At first it was funny... then it wasn't... and then it really wasn't. After a few hours of not being about to get his arm back down and realizing his heart rate was dropping and taking longer to come back up, I ended up with an emergency C-section. Not the plan. I was scared. I was panicked. I was terrified. I had my husband and daughter and both of our moms there with me. As they wheeled me out of the room to head down the hall to the surgical room, I took a look at my sweet little girl. I lost it. I didn't know what to expect or what was going to happen. My husband was so great holding my hand the entire time. Long story short... after this "traumatic" event {I say "traumatic" because it was scary, but thankfully everything was fine and our sweet little boy was born without any problems whatsoever} I sunk into Post Partum Depression. I had know idea until quite a few months following his birth. Just as I'm about to climb out of the depression pit, I was hit with anxiety. And this is when my trial begins.
The pain and discomfort you feel after a C-section is expected. It's a major surgery. The pain I felt was more internal and spiritual. When anxiety hit, I didn't realize it. I just thought I had become paranoid. I always knew that I had anxiety. I'm a worry wart. Always have been. This was worse. I would feel scar tissue under my scar and immediately "knew" it had ruptured and I was bleeding to death. I would feel a gas pain in my side and "knew" that I had a tumor. One of the kids would get a fever and I "knew" that it was cancer. This was extreme worrying. It was tearing me apart. After several doctor visits and a few trips to Instacare and some blood draws and some poking around and an x-ray, it was determined that I was having problems with constipation. True story. I can share this with you because as embarrassing as it could be, my mind had actually led me to believe it was much more. That scared me. I sought the help of a therapist who helped me to see how my little guy's birth had affected me. I was literally carrying the fear that I felt that day with me. By this point he had turned 1. For one whole entire year I was still feeling the fear from his birth day. ONE year! I know that other's have this much worse than me... but I felt this had gone on too long. It was time to change.
After another lame doctor's appointment to again be told to use the bathroom and "try drinking Miralax everyday", it was suggested that I go see a CNM in town. It takes a few months to get in but it's worth making an appointment anyway. I called 15 minutes before the office closed. I got in as her very first appointment the next morning. The Lord was looking down on me. After a really, really good visit with her {and more blood work}, she was able to put me on some great supplements {I am sensitive to medications so I always try to go herbal when I can. Not that everyone needs to... but it is a very good alternative to try.} and a thyroid medication. Turns out my thyroid was a tad low. It's been a month now and I feel awesome.
So how is this my trial? Well... my body is feeling great. Not great... better. I walk on my treadmill and read a book at the same time everyday for 45 minutes. Makes you dizzy the first few times but then you catch on. I also do yoga and spend 5 minutes everyday meditating. I'm taking supplements and a very low dose thyroid medication. You'd think I should be feeling at the top of my game, right?! I'm still battling anxiety. These days it's easier. Some days it's still really difficult for me. I have been diagnosed by this sweet CNM and my therapist as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder. No big deal they both tell me. Common in women my age. But it is a big deal because I have actually been diagnosed now. Now it's time for change. This trial has made me stronger and still does every single day. I want to reach out to people... not just women... who feel that they have no control over their brains. That feel like things are worthless. Or maybe just can't seem to be happy and don't know why. I want you to know that I truly understand. From the bottom of my heart. I want to share with you what helps me in hopes that it may help you. My trial has brought me peace, a stronger testimony in Christ and our Heavenly Father, more faith or maybe even renewed faith and the opportunity to help.
xo, Heather
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